reallyreallyreallytrying:

me: what a lovely day! even the flowers are singing!

flowers (singing): the sins of our forefathers bind us to the dirt

i am tired. 

i am so, so tired. 

i was born tired 

and i will die tired. 

i am not a manufactured smile 

or a lover for hire. 

i am not a lazy sunday morning 

or a friday 5 pm

after a long week at work. 

I am a wednesday 3 pm, 

sluggish and unwelcomed.

i am cold. 

i am so, so cold. 

i was born cold 

and i will die cold. 

the sound of a thousand shrieks on the street- 

unheard. 

i am a faulty electrical socket. 

my head aches every night.

i am ugly. 

i am so, so ugly.

i was born ugly 

and i will die ugly. 

i am an awkward silence.

 i am the feeling of hesitation 

while fooling around underneath the sheets 

after a less than impressive first date. 

i apologize for the space that i occupy.

i am lonely. 

i am so, so lonely. 

i was born alone 

and i will die alone. 

i belong to all the days 

that will never happen. 

like oil and water, 

the world and i don’t really mix. 

unsettling, 

stuck in the hazy in-betweens, 

creaking, 

coughing, 

collapsing.

a patron saint 

of intuition, 

unrequited passion, 

and indulgence; 

the dark circles 

underneath the eyes 

of my souls bones 

will never 

cease 

to

be.

i feel like a feral fucking child. 

i don’t even know if I’ve got a soul. 

sometimes I’ve just got to run away. 

I’m a cold mess of skin and hair and bone and air,

 scooting around 

babbling nothingness 

and pretending to be a human 

that can actually relate to other humans 

and feel feelings, 

just waiting 

to cave in 

and be with the worms.

anxiety
smothering me
slowly
crushing
down
nothing here
cold desolate isolation
heavy
panic
boundless
light
calm
no beginnings
no ends
i have no limits
i show no mercy
only shed light
yet i always exist

light and being

did you know

 that if you were to travel at the speed of light,

 strange things would happen to space and time

 and you would experience yourself being in all places and all times

 at once?

 then you’d be eternal. 

that’s what I’m trying to do: 

experience light from its own perspective.

sadly, we are made of meat. 

 but even meat is movement and energy, 

only giving the illusion of solidity 

because of the speed of the molecules moving around within it.

 but its with a subtle wave though, 

like an X-ray, 

and you can move in between these vibrating particles.

that’s where i come back in:

 i want to get in between all of the vibrating particles.

 i want to exist in the gray areas. 

i want to achieve this state 

and retain the idea that’s it all fake.

I’m gonna get there 

and I’m going to keep laughing at the joke world. 

first i must quiet my mind 

enough to experience pure nowness, 

being, 

without any mental construct of even..

real or unreal, 

fake or authentic. 

Sit within thee noumenal:

 the super essential darkness 

that birthed me.

cold

cheek   to cheek

feet      bare

ripping my teeth out of my head

barren

november   fond memories

of you

years ago

cold